Today I thought I would share a few thoughts on something I have only ever spoken about to a couple of people - my fears leading up to having R. After we lost our first baby way back in 2009, it took me a fair few years to get pregnant again, and we had to visit a specialist. After three months of fertility treatment we discovered we were finally expecting a little bundle of joy.
However 'joy' was not the first feeling I had. I was terrified.
What if it happened again? What if my body didn't do what it was meant to this time? All the time that I had spent healing after the miscarriage felt like it had gone straight out the window. I kept looking for signs of things going wrong.
I counted the days from scan to scan to each midwife appointment where we would be able to hear our baby's heartbeat again.
I didn't even share with my husband how I was feeling. I bled every four weeks like clockwork (turns out you can have 'ghost periods' when you're pregnant). Each time, I would rush in to hospital, just to make sure that our baby was ok.
Each time I feared the worst.
The closer I got to my estimated due date, the more a new fear crept in. I knew that R was viable. I knew that the closer we got, the higher her chance of survival. Having lost our first baby, would I be able to love this baby as I should?
The day R was born, was the day before her due date. I was bleeding heavily, and drove myself to the ward to get checked out. I was on and off the monitor up until the moment she was born.
When she arrived in this world, it was to the sound of the emergency bell ringing and me crying, "is she ok?!". They asked me if I wanted her put on my chest when she arrived, but she was born with the umbilical cord wrapped around her neck, and wasn't breathing. The room filled with people, I couldn't see my baby and she didn't make a sound.
The fear I felt in that moment was unparalleled.
Luckily, John came in to the room and was able to see what was happening. He could see that R was moving, and breathing. He held me until the doctor gave the all clear and finally my baby was handed to me.
I am lucky.
Even though my baby was blue, and quiet, as I held her 7lb 1oz body all of my fears evaporated. I knew it wasn't going to be easy. I knew that we were in for a massive learning curve when it came to being parents. However I was no longer scared. I no longer felt like something was going wrong. I was happy, and content. I was finally at peace.
I thought I had dealt with the feelings of sorrow and loss from my first miscarriage, but there was so much underlying pain that I wasn't even aware of. R has been a massive healing for me, in ways I didn't even realise I needed. My little princess.